Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
