I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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