I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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