yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
