So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
