I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
