Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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