I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We had sex on a dog bed..
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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