Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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