Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
