i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
