Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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