He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
