i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
