I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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