How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
