she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
