You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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