I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i now understand why vodka
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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