i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I think my moral compass just broke
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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