i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
