I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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