I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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