I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
