mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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