I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
