I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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