New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
