i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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