Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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