you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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