I wish my penis had an off switch
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
