So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
