I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just found a bag of teeth...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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