ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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