Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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