I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Watching her eat just hurts me
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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