dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
dude i'm inner monologue high
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
