I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
