I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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