I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
