Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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