I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
