I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she told me i tasted like america
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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