I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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