You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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