what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
