where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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