Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
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He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
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You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
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