i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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