how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
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Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
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You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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