How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
