I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
