I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
