Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
