Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
