just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
