This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
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You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
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YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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