I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
