This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
