Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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